Just a quick post to let you guys know I am ok – I got up early (but not early enough to catch the sunrise where I wanted to catch it!) — so,… as I was driving north I pulled over to get the sun where I was — An ok spot on the river — Driving towards it; 4 deer were guarding the entrance and checking me out – kind of a low impact Cerberus waiting for me as I approached the dock.
Not a successful photo-shoot — but it is my first this year — this is a good step.
My life has experienced more sadness recently than ever but I feel it is finally letting go —
– because I have finally let go.
It is ok for me to feel joy, in fact, it is ok if I run to that bliss and meet it head on.
Until this week I would not let myself do that – I felt that: I did not deserve it and was not entitled to it. Those of you who have experienced great loss probably understand this.
So yesterday – I let myself have sushi for the first time in forever and it was sublime.
Today I took some photos.
Small steps indeed — but good steps.
Notes: This is more like a recovering from grief post that I would not put on this site — but I had not posted in so long, wanted everyone to know where I was.
Wish you all well.
I continue to drive myself to a new shore – I no longer dread it is happening – I welcome it.
The posts on the Cave are slowing down a bit because I am rebuilding my life….
I am here people and I am writing and sketching, I am a little behind – I may be down to once a week with posts while I catch up with my life.
I have so much to do and I am happy to say I am doing it.
If you see a lag in response or I don’t get to your blogs and visit as much — I will — just be patient – we all run into this blog/life balance issue.
Some good news:
The Night Swimming site where I deal almost 100% with the intimate and heart wrenching subject of cancer and grief is going well – I am writing it out and it is helping me. I am not going to mix the two blogs, most of you don’t want to see that side me, and if it was totally public – I would not feel free enough to share – — so email me for a link if you are brave enough — I thank the few of you that have – it has been good on many levels.
Working out at the Y for the last three months is bringing my physical health back in line – I am getting my strength and wellness back!
I started some therapy for my mental health – I am happy to say I carry a lighter mind. To talk fully with no restrictions to someone who is legally bound not to share — I can’t express how 3 years of cancer and losing a soulmate almost requires that you do this. If this is you — do not walk to get help — run.
Spiritually, I am in a state of reflection and expansion – I am not ruling anything out as I keep my heart and my mind open. I am Christian but I will be honest and tell you that I leaned heavily on Buddhism during my wife’s illness. Am I getting an orange robe and shaving my head? No, not yet – but universal truth is universal truth and close mindedness is the route of much evil in this world. When you are pushing around a dying wife in a wheelchair, you take and do whatever you can to help, you do not check the label on gifts of love before you open them. Love is love. Truth is truth. Light is light.
My house is falling apart and needs much work – that must start soon.
My past job is done, right now I have no work to go to. I have a new job lined up for Jan of 2017 – I may not go back to a “real” job until then. Is this a problem? No, not at all.
And lastly – I bought myself a new acoustic guitar and started playing a little — I’m not terrible – I am not going to be a rock star but, so what! – it gives me pleasure – it lifts my soul.
Stephanie is safe – enclosed – bathed by the morning sun.
A new day.
“How I got here doesn’t matter”
She tells herself and keeps telling herself to make it sink in.
“What they did can’t take anymore more of me”
“I can’t let those bastards do their work”
She knows it’s over …. she remains …. they are gone – well at least for 7- 10 years. She was hoping for more – she was hoping for a lightning bolt to rip through the courtroom and fry them right there —- take all the pain away —- singe them to pieces – until only a remnant of those evil smirking lips remain — Yeah, … leave those smoldering relics on the floor so they can be stomped – “I am Alice taking back my Wonderland and you — you evil Cheshire cat lips — you are crushed back into the darkness from whence you came”.
“A new life, my life.”
She looks at her nautilus shell from happier days. A shell she found in the fresh wash of the waning tide on a faraway island. The spiral shape that once surrounded a living thing – Maybe everything is a spiral? – maybe that is how it works. One thing builds on another and another in a perfect harmony that only takes full shape in the end. You just keep living and you just keep trying. None of us knows what will be for us – we are all too caught up to see.
That sun lights her face. There is hope. Out there are countless failures and victories waiting for her. Beckoning her to move forward.
Our star in our own little corner of this great spiraling galaxy. This giant Milky Way turning and turning while it plays its part in the greater scheme of time and space.
The only thing it doesn’t do is go backwards.
“Maybe how I got here does matter?”
Countless shells on countless beaches spread through eons and eons – and countless scumbags doing damage to countless victims over and over and over.
Stephanie thinks about that and it does sink in — we all become shells — we all become used packages of our souls. Every single one of us.
So you make amends the best you can – you do what you have to put it behind you – if the only way forward is to forgive, you may even have to do that —— forgive your god for allowing such vermin to be produced and forgive the perps themselves for they have no conception of the damage they do.
One day they will understand and one day it will all make sense. A perfect spiral of symmetry where you thought only chaos dwelt.
Shells and galaxies alike – turning and struggling – gravity and fire burning and pulling – ocean currents – swirling tides flowing back and forth.
It somehow works out.
Notes: This is my first attempt at writing fiction – It went much deeper and darker than I would have imagined — but then again — I don’t know how it goes, that is the beauty of swimming in different water and trying new things.
Any comments — good, bad, or indifferent really appreciated on this post.
Just a small blaze of red in the crab apple tree – The first color of spring around the cave. The landscape is so bland here in late winter – I had planned on getting some cardinals against the white snow ~ but the winter was disappointing.
Spring – Promise – Hope – just a little glint that life will begin again.
Stay SFW – edgy yes – funny yes – fired for visiting – no
A Reblog once a month – I don’t think we, as bloggers, reward good content enough.
Post my own photos and art as much as possible – a free-range chicken, all organic with no copyright infractions is the goal.
More projects and challenges with other bloggers. This is the center of the blogging watermelon – it really is! Making connections and friends. Sweetness!
My own challenge of hitting every type of blog genre in 2016 with an attempted post.
I mean all the favs:
Fashion- Music- Art – Photo – Food – Healing – Religious – Political – Conspiracy – Poetry – Sports – Books – Fiction– Redneckism (is that one?) – Travel – Fitness – Love – Sex – Collectible Coins – Movies – Cartoon, Antiquing, Geek, Ancient Greek … etc., etc., and etc. (yes – I will take suggestions)
I want to do as many as I can – with no limits on if something is too edgy or too sketchy — How far can I push myself? Don’t know? Are you scared? — yeah …me too…ain’t it grand!
If you want to know why I want to do a blog genre mash-up bust-up house party with strobe lights and underground techno music —
I think that we should all write about *everything – in the writing and discussion is where answers and clarity come from.
The web is better when we make it better – so yeah –I am going to write about it all!
I guess the short version of the above is: I’m doing everything and some of it twice – so keep up please – and enjoy the ride!
* Not to worry – I will give fair warning if it’s going to be something that would shock you!
This is a drawing I did for a poem by Tiffany @ tiffanybeingfree
It was great to try a sketch from her idea. The poem deals with some intense subject matter and the process of healing. It is an honor to help in this small way.
Bloggers working together – Always a rewarding experience. For me, it knocks me out of my comfort zone and makes me swim a little harder. I need that because it is too easy to get complacent and start doing boring stuff — Helping others makes my own work better! So if you have an idea for a little co-bloggery with the cave — Please send it my way and maybe we can do something!
And I got to pick one — So I took a trip to Maine for a little Wyeth theme.
The challenge is to write a short fiction piece based on this painting – I will leave the length of it up to you (I’m thinking 500 words or so?) – this is a no stress “walk about” kind of challenge. I am going to try fiction for the first time (yea- me!), but if you want to write a poem or something else, that is cool. I only ask that you do it sometime in March and let me know so I can link them all together. This could be fun.
This is my home and you are all welcome in for a virtual cup of tea, coffee or beer anytime. We are always open!. No need to remove your shoes or make a fuss – you may want to pet the dog so she knows you are cool. Other than that — relax.
Taking the dog out to pee in the early morning when still dark.
I look up and see a plane and beyond that something else is sliding across the sky.
A satellite – cool – that is not a plane.
How do you know?
Looks like a star moving at the speed of a plane*
*(yes turbo geeks – I know it is much faster and much higher up than a plane – but those ratios line up to make it “appear” the same speed to the observer. Everything is relative – Einstein said that!!! So there!)
No flashing lights on a satellite.
That is it people — You are a satellite hunter – go forth and catch one!
There is a great website where you can track these things.
You put in your location and then you get a map with predictions of all the things that orbit bright enough to see– this means I could check the chart and find out that a soviet rocket body launched in 1984 just flew over me and my dog.
Hint: If it is straight up in the sky above your head — you are looking for the magic 80 degree number to help you narrow it down.
I drew my little not to scale map because it got me thinking how I look from up there – A random non-descript person with a huskie/corgi dog. Outside looking up – The sun has to be at the right angle to light this rocket for me to catch it. I am alive on the planet earth. I am somebody and me and my dog are ok.
This is a big deal – to realize how special it is to be involved in the grand scheme of the universe in a moment. Which by the way — is every single moment!
We only get so many of them.
I am a lucky man.
Notes: My next post will be the cave re-launch post – I am trying something new which means fixing all the typos and glitches before I publish.
Thanks for the support and happy existing everyone!