Do not judge my journey

If you want to try:

Please put my shoes on and walk—-not forward~ No — Too easy –

Walk back – walk through all the years – walk through all the pain – walk until there are no shoes on a tender little baby foot – then you can judge me — If you still want to.

I refuse to do that anymore, to me or to anyone else – we can only go forward — and I only know what you dare to tell me of your own journey — and that is still just a drop in the ocean of your existence…

I won’t judge you – that is a promise, that is my philosophy – that is my mantra

– if we meet on the same trail; I will try and help you – or at the very least, not make your way more difficult.

We each make our way– we are each walking the best we know how.

Until we learn to walk better –

We can always learn to walk better.

Notes: This is on one of the trails in Acadia National Park – so many wonderful steps in the high ground by the ocean. The landscape is majestic >>>>>>> it restored my soul.


It keeps me running

wayne - run

A couple weeks ago I did my first 5K! I ran with the kids and it took me almost 34 minutes – but I did it! I’m posting this picture so you can see how I am and what I look like in June of 2016 ~ I have come a long way in the last 7 months – I thank all of you – I don’t want to name names and embarrass anybody but there were some who went above and beyond to reach out to me – this community is so warm and so welcoming. Really, I have no words to describe it.

Beyond that: I meditate everyday – I play guitar and sing (have to play by a fire this week!) – I have ink! – I am heading out to the badlands in a week or so for another trip – I am in therapy (my therapist is a godsend) —– And all this stuff is new — I am becoming something else – I cannot return to where I was.

I am blessed and I am grateful ~ And I run now not to escape myself

I run to become myself


Mini Me

Don’t worry about me

The people I have met – the music I have played – the places I have been

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind

Below is a picture of my new car on a trip I took a few days ago up to Bar Harbor in Maine. Just me and my new mini motoring around – and it was something – it was what I needed.



I wake each day with the desire to do the best with the time in front of me.

And I sleep each night downloading the wonder and allowing it to cycle through my dreams.

I really am blessed.

Is there still pain?

Yes – there will always be –

But that is not the default mode

The default mode is to live, to laugh and to love.


I have more traveling to do in the coming weeks and will return to more blogging at some point

Wish you all well my friends>




Music and Ink…..and blogging

Music and Ink…..and blogging

I woke this morning with full awareness that my mind and spirit were connected, attached to my body that was hurling through space on a giant rock. That rock was spinning in a beautiful dance of gravity playing a part in an endless universe … which may be just a drop in a vast ocean of countless other universes.

Yeah baby, I’m back!

It makes all the mundane connections with people I know seem nothing short of miraculous.– I mean,…  to make “me”— all these weird connections of people, places and things over the eons of time since before we even got to living in the caves – I just think about that — everything had to line up or this “me” that is writing would not be here—- and that goes the same for each person that reads this — and also the same for the lady at the deli that I will let cut in ahead of me because she has two screaming kids and needs to get her maple ham and American cheese.

Which makes the connections that are truly “special” nothing short of divine because ….. I mean, …. What are the chances that you and me have a conversation?

It just causes the brain to ignite and fire countless neurons to not figure out.

You may think that this is a strange —- but I think like this all the time —– and have not thought like this in many weeks.

Because I was not connected.

My mind was in severe pain – my spirit was lost and whirring out of control – and my body seemed to disconnected.

They said I was depressed – I don’t know if that word fits – but I will go with it because it and me were so similar that you could not tell us apart even at a short distance.

So we go to ink –

A thought in my mind – that becomes a sketch (in fact, many sketches before it was right) – that goes into illustrator to become a vector – that sings to me in a perfect riot of frenzied negative space.



My mind thinks it – my spirit is at peace with it – the tattoo artist inks it to my body – we are all together again. One happy family that is the trio of the Wayne. I am here – I am validated.

My first tattoo – and already thinking how to add to it.

And as I ran through the chords of “Key to the Highway” last night on my acoustic guitar — I understand what Big Bill Broonzy was saying – I understand the feeling – I understand the blues.

I get it – there are things and feelings that we all share – that are the human condition – It’s part of jamming a spirit in a body and having a mind trying to figure out what to do with it- how to make a way – how to rise above and move forward.

Isn’t that part of why we blog? This need to connect and validate our existence.

I play a lot of guitar and I sing all the time – this is new – but was always there.

I just could not put in the work to access it – I don’t feel like that anymore.

I feel that I have nothing to fear – I feel that I better get whatever is in there out.

Be dammed if it is good or bad or indifferent.

Just get it out!

So I feel better – And the only reason I am writing instead of playing right now is because it is too early and I will wake the kids.

I leave you with a new song that speaks to me – attitude and blues – I need it.



Checking In

Dude – you look friendly but forgive us for being cautious – we are wild animals and we have been shot at before — but…. if you are cool, we are cool.

Sunrise on the Hudson
Just a quick post to let you guys know I am ok – I got up early (but not early enough to catch the sunrise where I wanted to catch it!) — so,… as I was driving north I pulled over to get the sun where I was — An ok spot on the river — Driving towards it; 4 deer were guarding the entrance and checking me out – kind of a low impact Cerberus waiting for me as I approached the dock.

Not a successful photo-shoot — but it is my first this year — this is a good step.

My life has experienced more sadness recently than ever but I feel it is finally letting go —

– because I have finally let go.

It is ok for me to feel joy, in fact, it is ok if I run to that bliss and meet it head on.

Until this week I would not let myself do that – I felt that: I did not deserve it and was not entitled to it. Those of you who have experienced great loss probably understand this.

So yesterday – I let myself have sushi for the first time in forever and it was sublime.

Today I took some photos.

Small steps indeed — but good steps.

Notes: This is more like a recovering from grief post that I would not put on this site — but I had not posted in so long, wanted everyone to know where I was.

Wish you all well.

I continue to drive myself to a new shore  – I no longer dread it is happening – I welcome it.

(Although like the deer, I am cautious)

The – I’m ok but figuring it out post.

The – I’m ok but figuring it out post.

The posts on the Cave are slowing down a bit because I am rebuilding my life….

I am here people and I am writing and sketching, I am a little behind – I may be down to once a week with posts while I catch up with my life.

I have so much to do and I am happy to say I am doing it.

If you see a lag in response or I don’t get to your blogs and visit as much — I will — just be patient – we all run into this blog/life balance issue.

Some good news:

The Night Swimming site where I deal almost 100% with the intimate and heart wrenching subject of cancer and grief is going well – I am writing it out and it is helping me. I am not going to mix the two blogs, most of you don’t want to see that side me, and if it was totally public – I would not feel free enough to share – — so email me for a link if you are brave enough — I thank the few of you that have – it has been good on many levels.

Working out at the Y for the last three months is bringing my physical health back in line –  I am getting my strength and wellness back!

I started some therapy for my mental health – I am happy to say I carry a lighter mind. To talk fully with no restrictions to someone who is legally bound not to share — I can’t express how 3 years of cancer and losing a soulmate almost requires that you do this. If this is you — do not walk to get help — run.

Spiritually, I am in a state of reflection and expansion – I am not ruling anything out as I keep my heart and my mind open. I am Christian but I will be honest and tell you that I leaned heavily on Buddhism during my wife’s illness. Am I getting an orange robe and shaving my head? No, not yet – but universal truth is universal truth and close mindedness is the route of much evil in this world. When you are pushing around a dying wife in a wheelchair, you take and do whatever you can to help, you do not check the label on gifts of love before you open them. Love is love. Truth is truth. Light is light.

My house is falling apart and needs much work – that must start soon.

My past job is done, right now I have no work to go to. I have a new job lined up for Jan of 2017 – I may not go back to a “real” job until then. Is this a problem?  No, not at all.

And lastly – I bought myself a new acoustic guitar and started playing a little — I’m not terrible – I am not going to be a rock star but, so what! – it gives me pleasure – it lifts my soul.

This is where I am – And now – some music.



I have been working on my photographs – editing and starting the printing process – I am working to get enough together for some kind of show – some kind of public thing — put myself out there.

I don’t know exactly how to approach it – but it needs to happen – I have nothing to lose.

Really – What’s the worse that can come from this?

I can’t think of any negatives – even “failure” is not a negative.

Failure is still a dive into something.

Still living.

Not doing or trying that is the worse that could happen.

I don’t mind falling flat on my face.

I really don’t – I have nothing to lose.